Are You Ready To Put In The Work?

It shouldn’t take all of that.. We’re Good... These may be the two most common phrases we hear when talking to couples about what it takes to enhance a marriage. Recently my wife

Joy and I celebrated our 34^th wedding anniversary. A few times during our “Anniversary Week” I was asked “what does it take?”  Each time my response was simple, “God and you have to put in the work.” “What does it look like to ‘put in the work’?” was the follow up question I received. This blog is my response to that Frequently Asked Question.

But first, a caveat. There are a number of things that we all consider to be common knowledge. A car requires maintenance like an oil change to last. If we want to lose weight it requires exercise and a proper diet. If we want to ascend in our careers we have to continue to get better at what we do. If these things are commonly accepted as reality, we should also accept that if we want our marriage to be successful and rewarding, we have to put in the work. And there are lots of ways to put in the work. Let’s take a look at three ways that I have found to be helpful to make it to year 34.

Study Your Spouse

Another way to phrase this could be “do your homework.”  It doesn’t take long for you to begin to notice tendencies in a relationship. That is if you are paying attention. Your spouse had a personality that includes likes, dislikes, and standards that are consistent with their personality. Much like a child who learns by “touching the stove” we sometimes learn about our spouse by the missteps we make. That’s when we have to be dialed in to connect the dots to understand that what causes friction may be a result of some long held belief or standard… some pet peeve that you just uncovered. The flip side is that sometimes you stumble across something that your spouse just loves. That’s when you break out that mental note pad to set a reminder that you’ve discovered a golden nugget.

Embrace Your Differences

One of the breakthroughs in our marriage was when we stopped seeing each other’s differences as a problem and realized that our differences made us better. During the dating phase we don’t often show how different we really are because we’re in “recruitment” mode. But after time, we settle into our natural habitats and realize that more often than not we approach life completely differently. I’m a risk taker, she is not. I’m an extrovert, she’s an introvert. I see the big picture and she needs the details. Once we stopped resisting and realized that together those components were assets and not detriments the walls came down and we were able to work like a team.

Be Intentional

Just like it takes focus and effort to diet and exercise, improve your career, or even maintain your car, it takes intentional focus and effort to grow your marriage. Intentional focus means doing things that your spouse enjoys even when its not “your thing.” I am a diehard Steelers fan and Joy is from Cincinnati. She intentionally embraced my fandom and now she has become so much of a fan that one of our favorite things to do together is our annual trip to see a Steelers game. While I like music she LOVES music, especially live jazz. Now one of “our things” is to go out to listen to live jazz. Intentionality has been an absolute blessing to our marriage.

In reality there are a myriad of ways to “put in work” in your marriage. But it starts with making a decision that you’re willing to do just that… Put in the work. For almost two decades now, one of the greatest ways that we have put in the work has been our efforts to help organize and facilitate The Heart of Marriage Retreat. This has been one of the most rewarding things we’ve done in our marriage. The lessons that we’ve learned about marriage in general and about each other, as well as the opportunity to partner together in this ministry have been some of the greatest blessings of our lives. So, what about you? Are you ready to Put In The Work?